


You're Allowed to Feel

by DarkenHeart (Lexa)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, loss of body part, vague mentions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 20:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2745869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexa/pseuds/DarkenHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe my own way of sussing out why Spike attacked Buffy in the bathroom that night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Allowed to Feel

Xander leaned against the bathroom sink. Thru the door he could just see the girls that had survived tonight. He didn't know what Buffy had told the hospital staff about how they had gotten hurt. He cursed himself as he realized he was drawing a blank on the names of the girls that had died. His hands went up to run thru his hair. He flinched as he felt the bandage over his eye. 

_'So, you're the one who sees?'_

He had to know. He did know but he had to see. Slowly Xander turned around to face the mirror. Hands shaking, he tore off the bandage. 

_'Let's see what we can do about that.'_

His mind refused to take it in at first. It wasn't real. It wasn't as bad as it looked. It couldn't be. The gauze packed inside almost made it look like his eye was still there. Xander's hand reached up to touch his face, only to clamp over his mouth to stop the scream. He had seen a homeless guy once, missing an eye. It looked like he had just pushed the eyelid back into the empty socket. 

Xander dropped his head, unable to face the mirror anymore. Why him? Why like that? He was suddenly filled with self loathing. He had only lost an eye. Others had been seriously wounded or worse. How dare he feel sorry for himself. His hands curled into fists as he continued to berate himself. 

"What do you want, Spike?" 

Spike froze, a look of surprise on his face. He had waited after the others had left and the staff busy with other affairs before coming. He had stood at the foot of each of the beds, looking down at the girl in it. Giles had taken care of the bodies of the dead ones. When he saw the empty bed he had started to worry. He had turned to run out of the room in search of the boy when he heard a noise coming from the bathroom. Spike quietly walked to the door, catching sight of Xander's face before he looked down. He had started backing away when Xander spoke. His eyes went to him, wondering how he had been found out. 

"Came, came to see how everyone was. Buffy sent me back to the house to let them know what happened. Came here and waited til they were gone to visit." Spike dug his hands into his coat pockets, suddenly wishing he had bummed more than one smoke off of Faith. 

Xander nodded his head. He leaned down to pick up the bandage. There was no way he could put it back on but he didn't want to be seen like this. Like some freak. 

"You're not a freak, Xander. Don't you ever think that." 

Xander spun in surprise, both in realizing he had spoken out loud and at the heat in Spike's voice. 

Spike walked over to him, hiding his flinch. Not at the sight of the missing eye. Hells, how many eyes had he gouged out in his time. But for the fact of who it had been done to. "You're not a freak. Not for what happened to you. Come on now, let's get you back to bed." 

Xander let himself be led out of the bathroom and into bed, still not used to being a little off balance. He numbly watched as Spike pulled the blankets over him, then walked to the other side of the room. 

After a bit of looking, Spike found what he wanted and went back. He sat on the bed, putting the ointment and bandages next to him. He looked up at Xander, asking permission before he did anything. At his nod, he carefully spread the ointment around the eye socket. He didn't touch the gauze, only wanting to make sure the area around it was tended to so the bandage wouldn't stick. Wiping his hand on his jeans, he quickly rebandaged the wound and cleaned up. "Better?" 

"Yeah. Thanks." Xander turned toward the girls. "How are they?" 

"From what I can tell, a couple are a bit dodgy, but they should all make it. Just take some time. What about you?" 

"What does it matter? Can't complain can I? Not with what happened to them. What right do..." 

Spike walked around to the other side of the bed, taking a chair with him and sitting down so Xander could see him. "You have every right. You lost a piece of yourself tonight. Alright, fine." He stopped Xander's protest before it started. "You didn't die and you weren't nearly gutted. But you were still hurt badly. You're allowed feel that, you know." 

"I heard your coat. That's how I knew you were standing there." Xander knew he was changing the subject, but he couldn't deal right now. "What's up with Buffy's boss, the way he stares at you? I mean, he's always staring at you, but it's even worse when you got your coat on." 

Spike sat back in the chair, looking away. He knew what Xander was doing, he only wished he hadn't picked that way to do it. "It was his mum's. Turns out she was my second Slayer. Yeah, I was surprised too, one of them having a kid and all." 

Xander sat for a moment, then shook his head. Alright, one more thing he couldn't wrap his head around. New topic. "Is that why you didn't wear it when you got back? Cause of how you got it?" 

Spike nodded. "Yeah. Not just her, though. Reminded me of all of them I killed after I got it. Not that I needed help with the reminding." He straighten the coat around himself. "Coat was always part of me being the Big Bad. You saw it, you knew whose it was and what would probably happen. So I put it away. Hadn't planned on ever wearing it again til Buffy handed my ass to me that day. Realized I did need it. Gets me in the right frame of mind, you know?" 

Xander nodded back. "Yeah, when you had it on you were always somehow more...I don't know. But I know what you mean. Kinda wish I had something like that some times." 

Spike half smiled as he remembered the comics Xander kept hidden away. "Does help. When I was human..." He stopped. After that bit to get the First out of his head, he had been thinking more about when he had been alive. Wasn't sure he liked it but couldn't seem to stop it much. He sighed. "When I was human used to read all the old stories, about magic coats and rings. Think a bit of that might have one of the reasons I took it. Well, that and I love the way it looks on me." He smiled at Xander's snort. Spike looked at him for a moment. "You ever read the old stories, Xander? Myths and such?" 

"Umm, not really. I mean, think they mentioned them in school but didn't really pay attention. Why?" 

Spike rolled his eyes. "Used to be they made you read them in school. Even before you went to university. Good stuff they are. Lots of blood and shagging and such. One of my favorites used to be the Norse stories. Gods and giants. Think my favorite back then was Thor. Have to admit Loki's grown on me though." 

"Oh wait, Thor? I know him. God of...Thunder, right? Had a hammer." At Spike's raised eyebrow he shrugged. "Read a couple of the comics. Didn't really get into it though." 

"They ever mentioned his father? Odin?" 

"Not the ones I saw. Again with the why?" 

Spike got out of the chair, moving to sit next to Xander. "Odin All Father was Ruler of the Norse Gods. He had two Ravens. Hugin, which means Thought, and Munin, which means Memory. Every morning they would fly out from his throne and at night return to tell him what they had seen. With his own eyes he could see for miles." Spike didn't notice that his usual accent had faded somewhat and he was sounding more like Giles now. 

"He knew more than most anybody. But there was one thing he didn't know. How the Final Battle, Ragnarok, between the Gods and their enemies the Giants would turn out. There was only one way to find out. He went to a well of knowledge and asked the Giant who guarded it if he could drink from it. The Giant refused at first, then said he could on one condition. If he left behind one of his eyes. Odin didn't want to, but he had to know. So he took out an eye and gave it to the Giant. Then he was allowed to drink. He had his answer and learned more than he had expected. All for the price of an eye. It never came back, so he bore the evidence of his sacrifice from then on. The Norse Gods were different in that they knew they could die. Odin learned who would die in the Final Battle and how. But he knew it had to happen. It was something he couldn't change." 

Xander sat amazed as Spike spoke. When he was done, Xander let out a shaky breath. "Wow. I... Did he ever regret it? Knowing or how...how he learned?" 

"I imagine he didn't much like the knowing. He would pull his hair or his hat over his lost eye. But I never thought he regretted it. It was a price he had to pay and he paid it." Spike shook himself, a small laugh escaping him. "Well, been some time since I've gone on like that. Thought I was past that." Xander was silent, staring down at the bed. Spike started to get nervous, not sure what he was thinking. Just as he opened his mouth Xander spoke. 

"Why'd you do it, Spike?" 

Spike was saved from having to answer by the sound of footsteps. He ran to the bathroom as the nurse came into the room. 

"You shouldn't be up, you know. Need all the rest you can get." She smoothed the blankets around Xander. "Do you need anything, something to help you sleep?" She checked the bandage. "Any pain?" 

"A little, but I'm fine." Xander flushed at her look. "No, not trying to be brave. I've been hurt before, worse than this. I work construction." He rushed to explain. No way was he going into the real reasons for the injuries he had gotten in the past. "I'll be alright. But I'll ring if I need anything. Promise." He smiled at her, hoping it would work on her like it worked on the girls. 

She looked at him steadily for a moment, then nodded her head. "Alright, but the minute you need something..." 

"You'll be the one I call. Thanks...Nancy." Xander watched her check on the girls, tutting to herself at their injuries. With one last look back at him, she left. 

"It's safe now, Spike." 

Spike walked slowly out of the bathroom, sitting back down in the chair. He didn't need to ask what Xander meant. He knew. Just like he knew every time he went to sleep. He looked down at his hands, refusing to look at him. 

"Does it matter? No excuse for it, is there?" 

"No, there isn't. But I need to know. Why?" 

He was quiet. Then. "I couldn't take it. When she said we were thru. No, that's a lie. I could have taken it if she had just come out and said she hated me. I didn't mind being used. Thought maybe eventually she would... She called me William, like that would somehow make it better. Show she was really thinking about my feelings. She didn't love me and she didn't hate me. No matter what I.." Spike leapt out of the chair and started pacing. "I just wanted her to feel something towards me. Even if it was hate. At least that was something. I didn't think it would go like that." He turned to Xander, not noticing the tears starting. 

"Truly, I didn't mean to hurt her like that. She was just so bloody - cold. I thought if I got her mad enough, then I would get some reaction. But she didn't. Then I got mad. And I wanted to hurt her. Wanted her to feel... If all the times we were together didn't matter, if she could just forget them, then she wasn't going to forget this time. Then I saw that look in her eyes. Wasn't hate. That I wanted. It was fear. And that I couldn't take that." He hid his face in his hands. "To the last I thought she would be able to get away and stake me. Til I saw that look. Left and got my soul then. I wanted...I wanted to give her what she deserved. I still loved her. She loved Angel with his soul. Why couldn't... But now it's worse. Oh, somehow, she cares about me. Stands up for me in front of all of you. Rescued me from the First. Trusts me, even when I don't trust myself. But she won't let me love her." 

Spike wiped at his face, forcing himself under control before returning to the chair. "So, now I'm damned worse then when Dru turned me. See, I know something too. Know one thing and hope for another. I know that the only way I can truly show how much I love her is to die for her. And hope that before she dies, she'll let me love her." 

Xander didn't know what to say. He had never expected that. "Spike....I..." 

"It's alright. You don't have to say anything. Nothing to say, is there? Guess I'm getting what I deserve. Can't complain after all." 

Xander reached out and laid his hand on Spike's arm, giving it a squeeze. "You didn't die and you weren't nearly gutted. But you were still hurt badly. You're allowed feel that, you know." A corner of his mouth quirked up into a smile. 

Spike laughed. "Thanks, mate. I'll remember that." He put his hand over Xander's for a moment, then stood up. "Better be going. You should get some rest. You know Red and Nibblet are going to be here first thing in the morning to see you. I best be getting back to the house. See you when you get out of here." He started walking out of the room. 

"Hey, Spike. Thanks for talking." 

"Thanks for listening." 

THE NEXT DAY... 

"So they said you could leave this afternoon. We just have to bring you back in a couple days so they can check you." 

"Thanks, Will. Be glad to get out of here. How are the others doing? At the house, I mean." 

Willow sat down, frowning a little. She could have sworn the chair had been on the other side of the bed last night. "Bout as good as can be expected. Buffy blames herself of course. She hasn't even looked at Giles since we got back. He's taking care of the potentials, trying to answer all their questions. Spike took off, didn't get back til late, then him and Faith went on patrol. Dawnie went to school. I think she's letting Robin know what happened." 

Xander took Willow's hand in his. "And you? How are you holding up?" 

Willow gave a small smile. "Better now that I know you're alright. Oh," she pulled a card from her pocket, "the doctor told me to give this to you. It's for another doctor. One who can...can give you a new eye. So you don't have to have..." She trailed off, her face red. 

"It's alright, Will. I'm getting okay with it. Have to get used to doing some things different, but I'll be fine." Xander looked at the card before tossing it onto the side table. "I don't think I'll see him though. I think I can be okay with how I look like this. Going to give a shot at least. Heard somewhere about someone who lost an eye. Did alright without it." 

"Well, if you're sure. We'll figure something out. Maybe get you an eye patch, like a pirate. Remember that Halloween?" 

LATER THAT SAME DAY... 

Xander looked around his empty apartment. Buffy and Willow had found another place for the girls for now, to give him a little time alone. No one said how that was possible cause there were fewer girls now. 

He put the medicine in the kitchen, the bandages in the bathroom. It was weird having to turn his head to see everything, but he was adjusting. He opened his closet to throw in the bag he got from the hospital and stopped. 

Hanging up was a leather jacket. As he took it off the hanger, something fell to the floor. Picking it up, he smiled as he saw it was two raven feathers. Xander stuck one into both his mirrors before trying on the jacket. 

It fit perfectly. There was an inside pocket and a way to rig it to carry a stake. He stood in front of his bedroom mirror, looking at the feather before looking at himself. His smile grew wider at what he saw. "Thanks, Spike." 

Xander started when he heard the front door. Carefully taking off the jacket and hanging it back up, he went to the door and found Buffy. 

"Hey, Xander. Just came by to see if you needed anything." It had taken the entire ride back from the hospital, and some creative threats, before the girls stopped wincing at any mention of 'seeing' and 'looking'. 

"No, I'm cool. Thanks anyway. No, wait." He stopped her before she could leave. He invited her inside, waving her to the couch as he got them something to drink. 

"So, what ya need?" 

Xander took a drink before turning sideways to look at her. "Not me, Buffy. It's what someone else needs. And maybe something you need to know."


End file.
